The typical example starts off with a paragraph about how you, the Valued Customer, are Very Important and that the Big Company values your business and the questions in your original email and wants to Exceed Your Expectations. This paragraph is so well worded and delicately crafted that you almost, for a split second, think that you have found a Big Company that really does care.

But then reality comes crushing down as the next paragraph begins the parade of damning evidence against the claims of the first paragraph: “We are sorry that you are having problems with Y.” What? My question was about X, not Y. Didn’t you even read my email? “We take Y very seriously and want you to know that we understand your concerns.” X! X, dammit! Not Y! “Our policy on Y is very clear… Blah. Blah. Blah.”

And then the close, which attempts to complete the We-Care-About-You circle: “Thank you again for your questions about Y. We hope that we have resolved any concerns you may have had. Remember, our goal is to exceed your expectations with every transaction.” Why, Thank you! You *did* exceed my expectations. Not only did I expect you to fail utterly to read and understand my email, but also I thought that your response would destroy my house. Because my house still stands, you have indeed *exceeded* my expectations. Thank you! Now, please, take my wallet.

http://www.dension.com/main.php?pageid=50&topid=42

It’s expensive, but it works well.