Tea Leaves: Loans and Lattes

September 27, 2004

Loans and Lattes

by peterb

What time is it?

Coffee Time is a Toronto coffee and donuts chain, roughly equivalent to what Dunkin' Donuts used to be in the US, before they made the conscious corporate decision to make all their donuts suck. They also have the best brewed coffee of any chain in Toronto (which, as I've alluded to before, isn't really saying much), and better donuts than Tim Horton's. They seem to be a thoroughly urban phenomenon -- as soon as you get on the highway, they disappear, and you are left and bereft, Coffeetimeless.

venti skim no-foam vault

Meanwhile, in another sector, CIBC provides banking services to the eh-ing multitudes of Canada, along with convenient ATM service, from which we lucky American citizens can withdraw money from our American banks without paying any extra fees. (Have I mentioned how much it annoys me that it is cheaper for me to withdraw money from an ATM in Madrid than it is at the "wrong" bank in the US?) But the most notable feature of CIBC bank, to me, is that their logo looks disturbingly like Coffee Time's. So I always experience a moment of cognitive dissonance when I encounter a CIBC bank and think "Cool! I can get coffee!" and then a rush of disappointment hits me as I realize that all they have there is a bunch of stupid money.

Every problem, however, is also an opportunity. I propose that CIBC Bank purchase Coffee Time, thus adding the latter's roster of delicious and inexpensive treats to their bank's portfolio. In these highly competitive times, the ability to draw in new customers through any means cannot be dismissed. And Coffee Time will benefit as well, as CIBC's large customer base discovers the delights of a walnut cruller and a large black coffee while waiting on line to make a deposit.

Do not be dissuaded by the naysayers and small-minded ones who throw out trivial objections -- "Oh, but banking and coffee shops are different," they will whine. "What about your customers who don't drink coffee?" they will mewl. They'll tell you that basing a merger simply on the color of your logos is "crazy." To which I say: "HA! Crazy like a fox!" Think of the most successful financiers you know. Think of stockbrokers, think of floor traders. Is there even one that doesn't drink coffee? Of course not. Coffee is bold. Coffee is strong. Just as currency is the lifeblood of our economy, my friends, so too coffee is the...um, lymph. Coffee Time is one of the most productive lymph nodes. With one fell swoop, you can grab that lymph node and squeeze! Sure, they'll laugh at you now, but when their banks are closing because you've got the best ~~lymph~~ coffee, well, they'll be singing a different tune, I promise you.

Gentlemen of the Boards of Directors of CIBC Bank and Coffee Time -- I thank you, capitalism thanks you, and the people of Canada thank you.

Additional Resources

Both Coffee Time and CIBC have web sites. Soon, I hope there will only be one.

Posted by peterb at September 27, 2004 09:47 PM | Bookmark This

Comments

You've got to be kidding me. Coffee Time has good donuts? Since when? They must have had a corporate revolution or something.

When I lived in Toronto you had two choices for donuts -- Coffee Time and Tim Hortons. Coffee Time was the decrepit, run down corner store of donuts, where every donut was guaranteed to be stale and taste primarily of cigarette smoke. Few customers were under 60, and most looked like they were cemented to their stools. Tim's were always shiny, clean, and new looking. Their donuts were truely fresh. Yummy too.

Has this changed?

Posted by Chris Colohan at October 1, 2004 10:29 AM

Tim Horton's is now owned by the same conglomerate that owns Wendy's. I can't say for sure they're getting worse, but they're not getting better.

Coffee Time is more of a fragmented franchise model. I think the quality of what you get is very much affected by which outlet you go to. I'll own up to their generally being more run down than Tim Horton's, but I call that "character."

Posted by peterb at October 1, 2004 10:44 AM

(to give a specific example, the Coffee Time on Dundas near Spadina is clean, well-lit, and seems to consistently have fresh donuts.)

Posted by peterb at October 1, 2004 10:46 AM

Coffee Time has better tasting coffee than Tim Hortans for sure. Tim Hortans coffee is rather tastless, and is meant for people who wouldn't normally drink coffee but can handle a bland coffee. It is really for those people who drink double double. Coffee Time donuts do suck, Tim Hortans definately has an edge on them in that department.

Posted by Sean at October 3, 2005 10:09 AM

Quote:
Think of the most successful financiers you know. Think of stockbrokers, think of floor traders. Is there even one that doesn't drink coffee? Of course not. Coffee is bold. Coffee is strong. Just as currency is the lifeblood of our economy, my friends, so too coffee is the...um, lymph.
______________________________________________

I've been a stockbroker for a good long year and a half and when I tell you that if the guys I work with could have a coffee IV inserted, that is no underestimation. Most of them see Javafit and their faces light up like a crack fiend getting his fix.
I'm more of a Dunkin Donuts guy myself; and I kinda still like their donuts too.

Posted by thomas at June 14, 2006 03:39 PM

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