Tea Leaves

Arsenic and Old Saves

Hi. Glad you could drop by so we could have this little chat. Have a seat. Yes, that one there, right next to the Playstation 2 console. Here, have a cup of coffee. It's my special blend.

Now, if you could pick it up — no, don't put that in your mouth — and look at the front. Yes, the front. That's the part with the buttons. Right. Good. Take a look at the lower left part of the console. Do you see that piece of plastic sticking out?

Why yes, that is a memory card. I'm glad you recognize it. This is so exciting! I can see why you were top of your class. Now, can you see what's right next to it? Yes! Right again! That's another memory card! You're two for two so far.

Now, about this game you've developed. It's quite fun. No, no, I'm not teasing you. Yes. Yes, really! I especially like the lava level. And the way you spaced the save points so far apart, to increase the difficulty. Excuse me? Yes, the coffee is quite good, isn't it? Oh, yes, that bitter almond taste is quite distinctive — I believe it comes from the roasting. Well, about this game of yours, there's just one problem. Oh, it's hard to explain it in words. I happen to have your game right here. Let's turn it on and I'll show you.

Now, here, let me just take this memory card out of the first slot, and just leave the one in the second slot. And now just watch...loading...splash screen. Ah, here we are. Main menu. Continue game.

Now, notice that your game freaks out because it can't find a memory card, even though the card is right there, in slot 2. Your game, in other words, only works if a memory card is in slot 1.

Oh my, you don't look at all well. Here. Another cup of coffee should perk you right up. Bottoms up!

What? Why would I only have a card in slot 2? Well, there are quite a few reasons. First off, it's not immediately apparent to a user which slot is which. But if you insist on a more practical reason, many Playstation 1 games, which aren't compatible with PS2 memory cards, were also written by retarded developers, and require a PS1 memory card to be in slot 1. So if I want to switch between PS1 and PS2 games, I need to constantly be switching cards back and forth. Because you, like a disturbingly large number of developers, are too much of a twit to write a game that recognizes a card in either slot. Today. In 2006. In the twenty-first century.

You still don't understand what I'm getting at? Well, to tell you the truth, I suspected that would happen. But don't worry. I have no doubt that by the time you've digested my message fully, you'll never write a game that doesn't use either save slot again. Oh my, you really are looking quite peaked. I've called you a cab. It should be here quite soon.

Here. Have another cup of java for the road. Isn't this stuff wonderful? It's just to die for.