O Cousin! My Cousin!

While hanging out on CMU Zephyr tonight discussing election results, someone painfully pointed a link to the very strange Cousin Couples web site, which is where you go if, apparently, you’re screwing your cousin and want to find a group of idiots who’ll say “You go, girl!” While looking, we quickly discovered the Poetry Forum where people could write awful poems about how humpable their cousins are. This gave me some bad ideas, and of course it was just a few minutes before it all spun out of control. Normally we’d have preserved these in the topbot, but the formatting issues made it ugly. So I present to you, without further ado: Zephyr’s Best Cousin’-Lovin’ poems!

Sonnet #315: My Cousin is Sooooooo Fucking Hot

To praise a certain lady given grant

Without succumbing to society’s curse

Even though she is the daughter of my Aunt

It’s not like humping her is so much worse

The Love Song of Chester the Molester

Shall I part my mullet behind? Do I dare hump a niece?

I shall wear plaid flannel shirts, and sleep in the trailer.

I have heard the country-western music, and been fleeced.

Ode on a Grecian Cuz

Thou still unravish’d son of family,

Thou foster-child of Robert and Aunt Marge,

Sylvan historian, who canst thus express

A flowery tale more sweetly than our Downs-syndrome children?

Soon Ogden Nash joined in:

I like eels

except as meals

and the way that their lack of intra-eel societal approval

of first-cousin consanguinous marriages feels

Quoth Dorothy Parker:

Men don’t make passes

at women who are too closely related to them.

And, of course, combining Walt Whitman with filthy English jigs came naturally after that:

O COUSIN! my Cousin! our fearful trip is done,

My hands have searched your every rack, the prize I sought is won.

The port is near, the bells I hear, I would be safely harboured

I’ll open your gate, but must sail straight, for you see I list to starboard.

What is a poetry contest with Emily Dickinson?

He touched me, so I live to know

That such a day, permitted so,

I groped upon the tracks.

It was a boundless place to me,

And silenced, as the awful sea

Our children are hemophiliacs

nlanza jumped in with some beautiful contributions, including: Edgar Allen Poe!

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

”’T is my cousin,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door;

On this night I score.”

(At this point, nlanza and I both had to admit that one could probably read Poe’s Annabel Lee into this little competition without actually changing any of the words.).

Nat also provided the ever popular hymnal:

Nearer, my cousin, to thee,

Nearer to thee!

E’en though it be state law,

That keepeth me,

Still all my heart would be,

Nearer, my cousin, to thee,

Nearer to thee!

and

Two cousins lingered in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not marry both

And be one family, long I stood

And made out with one as long as I could

To where we got lucky in the undergrowth;

Perhaps one of my favorites came courtesy of jferro:

They tell me you are consanguineous and I believe them, for I have

seen your harelip passed down through the generations.

Corey, not to be left out, contributed this gothic gem:

In the desert

I saw a creature, naked, bestial,

Who, squatting upon the ground,

Held a heart in his hands,

And ate of it.

I said, “Is it good, friend?”

“It is bitter – bitter,” he answered, “But I like it

“Because it is bitter,

“And because it is my cousin

Any contributions from you guys? Comment below. (Apparently some of the Cousin Couples partisans can get a bit uppity. I wonder how they’ll deal with this little exercise in creative expression?)

ADDENDUM: There has been quite a bit of activity in the comments to this thread. My reponse to some of your comments can be found in this article. Enjoy.