Metal Gear Stupid

I found out today that the title of this piece is sadly not original. In fact, much of what I have to say is even told more concisely here. But I figured, why let lack of originality stop a good rant. So here we go.

The new Metal Gear Solid game is out, and I noticed that aside from the exception above, all the game review sites seem afraid to tell their readers the truth, which is that if this game is anything like the other two in the franchise, then it completely blows. Since they can’t possibly not think this, they must be talking in code. Luckily, I have broken their little code. What follows is a guide to translating the game reviews into rational language. What they say: The game has an epic storyline.

What they mean: You will spend several hours in the game conversing with a motionless head over your in game radio.

What they say: The game is cinematic.

What they mean: For every twenty minutes of gameplay, you will watch three hours of cut scenes revealing a plot that could only make sense to a serious meth addict.

What they say: The game’s controls follow the classic configuration and provide Snake with a great combination of stealth and action moves.

What they mean: You can walk, or aim your weapon, but not both at the same time. This makes you the world’s most bad-ass super spy.

What they say: The game camera could be better, but it’s not too bad.

What they mean: Worst third person camera ever. You will spend more time looking at the floor or the wall or the ceiling than actually being able to see your enemies and environment.

What they say: The enemy AI forces you to use those stealth skills to the limit.

What they mean: To avoid your enemies, you can walk around underneath a carboard box.

What they say: The game is has a high degree of difficulty.

What they mean: If you have to hear the screams in the GAME OVER screen one more time you will rip your ears off the side of your head.

I hope this simple guide will help you in understanding all the glowing reviews of Metal Gear Solid.