Loans and Lattes


What time is it?

Coffee Time is a Toronto coffee and donuts chain, roughly equivalent to what Dunkin' Donuts used to be in the US, before they made the conscious corporate decision to make all their donuts suck. They also have the best brewed coffee of any chain in Toronto (which, as I’ve alluded to before, isn’t really saying much), and better donuts than Tim Horton’s. They seem to be a thoroughly urban phenomenon – as soon as you get on the highway, they disappear, and you are left and bereft, Coffeetimeless.


venti skim no-foam vault

Meanwhile, in another sector, CIBC provides banking services to the eh-ing multitudes of Canada, along with convenient ATM service, from which we lucky American citizens can withdraw money from our American banks without paying any extra fees. (Have I mentioned how much it annoys me that it is cheaper for me to withdraw money from an ATM in Madrid than it is at the “wrong” bank in the US?) But the most notable feature of CIBC bank, to me, is that their logo looks disturbingly like Coffee Time’s. So I always experience a moment of cognitive dissonance when I encounter a CIBC bank and think “Cool! I can get coffee!” and then a rush of disappointment hits me as I realize that all they have there is a bunch of stupid money. Every problem, however, is also an opportunity. I propose that CIBC Bank purchase Coffee Time, thus adding the latter’s roster of delicious and inexpensive treats to their bank’s portfolio. In these highly competitive times, the ability to draw in new customers through any means cannot be dismissed. And Coffee Time will benefit as well, as CIBC’s large customer base discovers the delights of a walnut cruller and a large black coffee while waiting on line to make a deposit.

Do not be dissuaded by the naysayers and small-minded ones who throw out trivial objections – “Oh, but banking and coffee shops are different,” they will whine. “What about your customers who don’t drink coffee?” they will mewl. They’ll tell you that basing a merger simply on the color of your logos is “crazy.” To which I say: “HA! Crazy like a fox!” Think of the most successful financiers you know. Think of stockbrokers, think of floor traders. Is there even one that doesn’t drink coffee? Of course not. Coffee is bold. Coffee is strong. Just as currency is the lifeblood of our economy, my friends, so too coffee is the…um, lymph. Coffee Time is one of the most productive lymph nodes. With one fell swoop, you can grab that lymph node and squeeze! Sure, they’ll laugh at you now, but when their banks are closing because you’ve got the best lymph coffee, well, they’ll be singing a different tune, I promise you.

Gentlemen of the Boards of Directors of CIBC Bank and Coffee Time – I thank you, capitalism thanks you, and the people of Canada thank you.

Additional Resources

Both Coffee Time and CIBC have web sites. Soon, I hope there will only be one.