The War Against Cliche

It started with one bitter observation, but ballooned, as it always does, into an entire night full of complaining and snarkiness. 50 items about the most common videogame cliches, attached below for your amusement. Some are funny, some are painful, and some are stupid, but each one is marked with its author, so you’ll know who to blame.

Feel free to add on to the list in the comments. 51. Don’t forget The grand list of RPG cliches.

50. Your space marine can carry 800 pounds of guns, but is unable to step over a small bump in the floor. [peterb]

49. Your night elf warrior can carry arbitrary amounts of treasure, but all other inventory must fit in a small box [psu]

48. Your uber-warrior cannot aim and walk at the same time. [psu]

47. Half-naked women on the package have nothing to do with the game [tomault]

46. Crates. Oh, God, the Crates [scottd]

45. Lava level [psu]

44. Ice level [tomault]

43. First person shooter platforming in a parallel alien dimension [psu]

42. Stupid boss battles [tomault]

41. Game controls map 86 different commands to every key in the keyboard, including function keys, and come with a confusing cardboard keymap. But in actuality, the only buttons you need to win the game are the arrow keys and the space bar. [peterb]

40. X-X-X-X-X-circle-X-X-X-X-X-X-triangle [psu]

39. “Press A to start” when the controller has a GODDAMNED “START” BUTTON. [peterb]

38. Boss impossible to beat unless you have the secret weapon hidden four levels back [tomault]

37. Your best friend and companion turns to the dark side. This means he gets cooler clothes. [peterb]

36. AI “companion” unable to path-find its way across an empty plain [jch]

35. Boobies [psu]

34. crashes with your video card driver version. [eli]

33. Hit the boss 5 times to make the actual Boss pop out of the anus of the outer boss. [psu]

32. Final Zelda Fantasy XIX: Super Sonic Mario Blaster edition [tomault]

31. “…” [psu]

30. “Mature” label means your avatar rapes and kills prostitutes. [peterb]

29. white, cyan, magenta, black. [eli]

28. Hero’s village: destroyed [scottd]

27. Amnesia. [scottd]

26. You start on a trivial mission and end saving the world from Certain Doom [tomault]

25. Long destroyed evil returns from the grave [tomault]

24. Fly, run, jump, grappling hook jump, run, fly, jump, collect a key [psu]

23. The game’s opening cutscene shows the protagonist watching a game’s opening cutscene. [peterb]

22. The Mighty McGuffin of Foobar [scottd]

21. “Help! Leon! Help!” [psu]

20. Evil master villian you killed last game returns in this one as henchman of even more evil master villian [tomault]

19. Fight, fight, fight, parry, parry, parry. [peterb]

18. Fight, fight, fight, parry, parry, parry, …, POWER MOVE [psu]

17. Magic pup-tents that heal your entire party [rlink@DEMENTIA.ORG]

16. Save die swear load die swear load die swear load YES!!! save [scottd]

15. have to enter an alebraic formula to make your function hit all of the enemy. [eli]

14. In video games, priests actually are useful, and don’t molest your children. [peterb]

13. Squad AI can break the door down, throw the flash grenade and then blow themselves to bits with friendly fire and the real grenade. [psu]

12. The first enemies you encounter are always rats. You’ll see. [peterb]

11. Fire, Earth, Water, and Air [scottd]

10. Blind, Mute, Sleep, Confuse, and Poison [rlink]

9. Meteo [rlinkG]

8. A scruffy character of dubious origin sets out on an epic journey through the empire where the choices you make will turn her towards either the way of good or the way of evil as he discovers his true destiny in the history of the world [psu]

7. A stick costs 5 gold pieces [rlink]

6. A defeated rat will drop 2 gold pieces. [peterb]

5. hit, hit, hit, hit, kill, corpose turns into money [psu]

4. Even though you may have achieved god-like powers, there are still plenty of stores that cater to your utterly superhuman needs [scottd]

3. Villagers completely oblivious to your rooting through their drawers full of underwear in search of magical potions while they stand three feet away [scottd]

2. Even the poorest shopkeeper in the smallest hamlet has the 1,000,000 gp on hand to buy that enchanted sword you found in the dungeon [tomault]

1. Successfully carrying item X from person Y to person Z will occasionally give you a sudden epiphany that instantly causes your biceps to swell by 14%. [scottd]