Another Day, Another Bad Game

I picked up Condemned: Criminal Origins a while back, and gave it another try tonight. This game was written up rather favorably when the 360 launched. Yet more evidence that the gaming press has their head up their collective ass. Let’s list the number of things that this game gets wrong.

1. So dark I have to run with the flashlight 100% of the time. OOOooooo, such creepy atmosphere.

2. Number of different enemy types in the first two hours of gameplay: 1.

3. How combat works in the first two hours of gameplay: hit, hit, block, dodge, hit hit. Next.

4. Control scheme has a sprint button. By sprint, they mean walk. When you aren’t sprinting, you move at a snail’s pace, noticing the whole time that this room looks just like the previous room. Anyway, to “sprint”, you have to click down on the left analog stick while you use it to move around. Brilliant! Or you can try to configure this to be on a trigger. But then you have to click down to block, which makes combat impossible. Way to go.

5. Boring repetitive “evidence collection” mechanics mean it takes you 15 extra minutes to get to the next exposition point.

6. Maps make you run in circles because all areas look exactly the same.

On the up side, you can save anywhere when you get so bored you want to cry.

This leaves the number of titles worth playing on the 360 in the first nine months since launch at a staggering: one and a half (I gave up on Call of Duty).

Maybe I’ll go play Half-Life 2 over again under emulation, or just stab myself with a pen.