The Worst Cook on the Entire Internet

The other day Mark Bittman published a short piece where he mused about three recipes that he could give you to “turn you into a cook.” I thought the piece was pretty good, and agree with its basic premise. He presents three dishes that appropriately varied could be used by anyone of reasonable ability to cook enough different kinds of food to live on. In fact, it was similar in nature to my on and off series of “dinner in half an hour” articles, although I would not be so bold as to think that I thought up this idea.

Sadly, not everyone on the Internet is that smart.

Just to prove it, the worst cook on the entire Internet “reviewed” one of the recipes, [a simple chicken stir fry]( cook-tackles-mark-bittmans-recipe/3-a-310816). The result sort of speaks for itself, but I will interject two points.

1. I thought that I no longer had the capacity to underestimate the general incompetence of others, but I see I was wrong. Two hours to cut up meat and vegetables?

2. Note how she also doesn’t understand “amortization.”

Here are my hints to aspiring cooks who are just as incompetent as the above writer:

1. Jesus, practice a little. If you can’t chop an onion in (say) a minute and a half, just give up. Go out to eat, what do I care?

2. Learn some basic life skills, like time and cost management.

3. Stop writing on the Internet. If you don’t know what a god damned button mushroom is, you should really go back to school and grow up a little before trying to be gainfully employed in the real world.

Ok I’m done.