Metal Gear Stupid

On November 22, 2004, in Games, by psu

I found out today that the title of this piece is sadly not original. In fact, much of what I have to say is even told more concisely here. But I figured, why let lack of originality stop a good rant. So here we go.

The new Metal Gear Solid game is out, and I noticed that aside from the exception above, all the game review sites seem afraid to tell their readers the truth, which is that if this game is anything like the other two in the franchise, then it completely blows. Since they can’t possibly not think this, they must be talking in code. Luckily, I have broken their little code. What follows is a guide to translating the game reviews into rational language.

What they say: The game has an epic storyline.

What they mean: You will spend several hours in the game conversing with a motionless head over your in game radio.

What they say: The game is cinematic.

What they mean: For every twenty minutes of gameplay, you will watch three hours of cut scenes revealing a plot that could only make sense to a serious meth addict.

What they say: The game’s controls follow the classic configuration and provide Snake with a great combination of stealth and action moves.

What they mean: You can walk, or aim your weapon, but not both at the same time. This makes you the world’s most bad-ass super spy.

What they say: The game camera could be better, but it’s not too bad.

What they mean: Worst third person camera ever. You will spend more time looking at the floor or the wall or the ceiling than actually being able to see your enemies and environment.

What they say: The enemy AI forces you to use those stealth skills to the limit.

What they mean: To avoid your enemies, you can walk around underneath a carboard box.

What they say: The game is has a high degree of difficulty.

What they mean: If you have to hear the screams in the GAME OVER screen one more time you will rip your ears off the side of your head.

I hope this simple guide will help you in understanding all the glowing reviews of Metal Gear Solid.


7 Responses to “Metal Gear Stupid”

  1. SnakeandOtacon.exe says:

    OMG!! u r like an idiottttt!! lololololooz.zz…
    just becux u dont lie the game doesn’t mnea that it sucks u pissypoo. rmemeber to not be dumb anymore fooobutt munch.

  2. u suk says:

    mgs is the best damn game for any system. dont go makin up shit about it

  3. Nat says:

    Well, so why do you think it’s such a great game?

    Explaining that might be more convincing than just yelling at people.

  4. jos busby says:

    i’ve played the metal gear series even the nes versions and i think its a brilliant series. there are faults in the game and some of the cut scene can be a bit over the top but still a good game but that is just my opinion.

  5. The Don says:

    Spot on. What a load of tedious shite.

  6. Nihilanth says:

    I liked it I guess, but Spl;inter Cell is more my style of stealth. I can’t freaking understand the story at all though…oh yeah that’s right, I don’t smoke rocks.

  7. ownage says:

    Wow you are wrong son, you don’t have any tatse son, your a moron son, your a fool son, lay off it son.

    Ownd Son.