“I want a hamburger. A really good hamburger.”
This is me, talking to psu.
“Go to Tessaro’s. They have the best burgers in town.”
That’s psu, talking to me.
But Tessaro’s doesn’t have the best burgers in town. In the abstract, yes, a Tessaro’s burger is almost the platonic ideal of a great hamburger. The meat is cooked perfectly, over a wood fire. It’s big and juicy. It’s perfect. Except…
Except they don’t have french fries. Therefore, their perfect burger sucks.
This is, perhaps, an entirely pre-rational belief. Obviously, I don’t really think that the Tessaro’s burger sucks qua sucks. But when I crave a hamburger, when I need a hamburger, that’s not a mere desire for a certain type of food. It’s a spiritual thing; it’s the quest for the Great American Hamburger. And listen, the Great American Hamburger does not come with potato salad. It does not come with disgusting, soggy home fries that are some sort of punishment for all my former sins. It does not come with broccoli and cauliflower.
The Great American Hamburger comes with french fries, and anything else is second rate.
This is beyond issues of mere taste. It is magical, alchemical: even bad french fries make a good burger taste better. It’s just like transubstantiation, except it actually improves your life.
We ended up going to the new burger joint (part of a chain) called “Five Guys”, in Oakland. They made a good burger — very good. The meat was thin and cooked through, but still juicy. The buns weren’t too big. They had fried onions, and good relish, and good mushrooms, and other things to put on the burger. It wasn’t as good as the $11 burger at Eleven. But then, it didn’t cost $11, either. And, most importantly, they had french fries.
Their fries weren’t that good, but they were there, and that made their very good burger taste better than Tessaro’s great-but-fryless burger would have.
What I somehow need to do is convince Tessaro’s and Dee’s to open up a shack somewhere midway between the two places. They’d serve Tessaro’s burgers, and Dee’s fries, and they would make a million dollars every night.
But until then, see you at Five Guys.
Five guys also wins for having jalepeno peppers as a topping.
Do the Five Guys in Pittsburgh have signs like “Do not take any peanuts outside the premises! They are LETHAL to neighborhood children with peanut allergies!”
In my opinion, the mark of a great restaurant is in their ability to kill children, and Five Guys excels like none other.
Indeed there are exactly those signs.
That’s exactly the problem I have with Tessaro’s. I love their burgers, but the sides all suck — it’s not just that they don’t have fries, but that they don’t have anything particularly good to go with the burger.
The service is also pretty variable, but I’d happily excuse that for a delicious burger and fries.
So yeah, I’d much rather go to Five Guys.
Pardon my blasphemy, but are they serious about feeding vegetarians, or do they fry their fries in lard, and grill the grilled cheese on a bucket of beef fat?
Just in case I find myself in a group of carnivores, to know whether I should try to deflect them towards or away from there.
I adore the fact that T’s doesn’t have a fryer, and I’ve found great picnic comfort in one of those magic piles of meat and bread stacked next to a healthy lump of their potato salad or cole slaw. Added bonus: you can then sneak some of the slaw onto the burger!
It’s good to hear good things about Five Guys, tho’ – I ought stomp down there.
Dee’s, how I miss you.
So Pittsburgh is finally getting a Trader Joe’s…
When are we going to get an In-n-Out Burger?
Benoit, they fry their fries in peanut oil, so no on the lard, and they don’t have grilled cheese. But they’re still good burgers and reasonable, if excessively salty, fries.
I don’t even like Tessaro’s as a burger qua burger. It’s bland, not fatty enough, and the bun is bad.
I believe Tessaro’s is the only actual restaurant in Pittsburgh – service + rare meat + alcohol + pleasurable space. But then I’m cheap and, lucky me, I don’t like fries.
With respect to meat sandwiches (not only or necessarily burgers) what I really miss about Pittsburgh is Fat Heads. I never really understood the Tessaro’s phenomenon.
Five Guys originated here in the DC area. The secret to the fries is adding malt vinegar. Seriously.
Please report to the Shake Shack for burger quality normalization checks and report back. Thank you.
Tiffany is entirely correct. Their fries require malt vinegar and for best results should not come into contact with ketchup.
If I may cloak myself in the mantle of Internet righteousness: you philistines. A pile of Tessaro’s home fries — crusty black on one side and fluffy on the other, covered with what dribbled out of your burger as you ate it — is perfection.
Not that I have anything against fries, of course.
While Five Guy’s fries are adequit, why settle for them, when you are right next to the “O”? There the fries are cooked twice like they are supposed to be. Wish they did it in lard though. Sigh.
Oh, don’t bother ordering a hot dog in Five Guys. Man, was that a dumb idea. Almost no dog toppings. I might as well show up to a gun fight with a knife next.
Speaking of chains, what about Fat Burger? (for you In-and-Out Cali-forn-eye-a transplants) One in Robinson, one in Cranberry. Choice of steak fries, or regular.