Tea Leaves

are wine reviewers. Imagine if game reviewers wrote game reviews the way that thesaurus addled hack Robert Parker reviews wine:

Shadow of the Colossus has a certain je ne sais quoi in its coding, a whiff of east-coast style that reveals that this Japanese game’s native terroir is really Bell Labs. The structure is simple, yet baroque, not unlike the original sed, or awk. Redolent of Gosling Emacs and perhaps even a note of Crowther Adventure, the color palette is subdued, yet puckish. There are simply gobs of Mario lurking in the jumping parts of the game, with a subtle undertone of Zelda and a rich base of Devil May Cry pathos underlying it, which anticipates its heady, yet stolid conclusion. 87 points.

Of course, the flip side of this coin is: what if wine reviewers reviewed wine the way game reviewers review games.

Domain De Villeneuve 2007: OH. MY. GOD. Everything about this wine is improved from last year; it makes the previous 32 outings look like complete garbage. Everything from the fine graphical detail on the label to the quality of the cork has improved. The wine itself was OK, and suffered from a few minor tannin glitches, but the producer indicates that this is because we had a “pre-release” bottle, and those glitches will be ironed out by release time. With those problems fixed, this is the best wine we’ve ever tasted. Better pre-order your bottle now, because this is going to fly off the shelves! An instant classic! Wine of the Year! FIVE STARS.

…

Hmmm.

OK, so maybe the wine reviewers aren’t actually all that much worse.

Never mind.