I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying

On August 11, 2008, in Culture, by peterb

I’d like to watch the Olympics opening ceremonies, please.

This sounds like a simple request, but apparently is akin to asking a soiled, drunk nun to perform brain surgery on an epileptic chihuahua on the roof of a moving car: not only won’t things turn out OK, but the nun probably won’t even understand what the hell you’re asking her to do.

Like Formula One racing, the Olympics broadcast is a feed exclusively licensed to a single broadcaster in each country. That broadcaster then — I’m assuming this is written into the contract — is obligated to muck up the broadcast by talking over it inanely and incessantly. I think this is really an idea that should be applied in more places. Just the other night, I went to the symphony, and right about the middle of the first movement of Shostakovich’s 7th, I started to get bored. “You know what this music needs?” I thought. “Color commentary”.

“Now, Marv, it looks like the timpanist is starting to limber up a bit.”

“Yes, Katie, that’s right. The drums represent the approach of the Russian offensive, in response to the destruction of St. Petersburg. The timpanist has practiced for over 400 hours waiting for just this moment…now! Wow, Katie, isn’t that something?”

“It sure is, Marv. The precision with which he hit those notes is a testament to the hard work and dedication that this symphony orchestra has put in over the past 6 months, all waiting for this big night. In a moment, the violins will enter, signifying how life must go on even in the midst of sadness and tragedy, but right now we have to break for a commercial. We’ll be right back.”

Complaining about the quality of TV coverage of the Olympics is, of course, a time-honoured tradition that has gone on for many years. That’s not really what I’m complaining about here. What I’m hot and bothered about is that I can’t get better coverage, even if I am willing to pay for it. Look. It is the year 2008. I wake up in the morning, eat my protein-pill breakfast and then fly to work with my jetpack. I type into a magic box which can perform arithmetic faster than God, and which sends my words across the globe in near-real time, and I have the entire works of William Shakespeare and Groucho Marx at my fingertips. But the people running the Olympics can’t figure out a way for me to pay them money to download a simple video feed of the opening ceremonies. I don’t need commentary. I don’t need commercials. I want to give you cash, and see the pretty pictures.

Oh well. Maybe in 2012.

 

13 Responses to “I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying”

  1. Ben Stiglitz says:

    Amen, brother. Having a download available for purchase across the globe would be the IOC’s ultimate achievement.

  2. WCE says:

    Testify! Isn’t there a way to make a set-top box that will allow me to block the announcer sound feed on any sporting event while still hearing the crowd/ambient sound? I’ll pay good moment for that. That we’re all willing to pay more to ostensibly get less is amazing.

  3. peterb says:

    A long time ago — I think around 1980 or so — I watched a football game between (if I recall correctly) the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets on NBC. As an experiment, NBC ran this game with no announcers. Just the occasional graphics or visual explanation.

    It was the most enjoyable football game I’ve ever watched. NBC deemed it a failure. I gather from that that I shouldn’t count on my taste being aligned with the needs of ad-sponsored television.

  4. Berry says:

    I seem to recall that during the World Cup, a lot of people watched the games on Spanish-Language stations, even if they had no Spanish, merely because the announcers were not dumber than a box of hammers.

    And Peter, I recommend Peter Schickele’s “New Horizons in Music Appreciation” to your attention. http://www.schickele.com/shoppe/pdqrec/ontheair.htm

  5. psu says:

    There have been serious suggestions that amount to adding commentary to orchestral performances so that the unwashed masses can “know what is going on.”

    I tried to watch bits of the various NBC broadcasts over the last couple of days. The only good thing you can say is that sometimes the events themselves can transcend the crappy commentary. Mostly it’s just mental torture.

    Oh yeah. The last time I enjoyed the Olympics was when NBC ran that ill-fated “triple cast”. That was awesome. They’ll never do it again.

  6. These are the exact sentiments of everyone at our house. We even illegally downloaded an Australian version, which was amazingly… worse.

  7. peterb says:

    Yeah, I don’t think this is one of those things where American coverage is somehow more terrible than other nations’ coverage. I’ve heard bad things about all local coverage, including Australia, Italian, German, Swiss, and the BBC’s coverage. I think “annoying” is sort of inherent in the medium.

    I heard Canada’s CBC coverage was pretty good, but I haven’t seen it myself.

  8. Stewart Clamen says:

    The CBC’s contract does not seem to require them to talk for the duration, true.

  9. Ben says:

    @WCE

    Major sports matches on the BBC in the UK often have multiple commentary options: normal, the commentary from their radio coverage, just the referee’s microphone or none at all IIRC. So it’s definitely possible on over-the-air digital TV at least.

  10. Alex says:

    I want to buy the dvd.

  11. Duncan says:

    What I don’t understand is why, with the prevalence of the internet, can’t the coverage be placed online, for free (or near free, maybe with free segments), and allow the viewers to self screen what they want to watch.

    I missed seeing the opening ceremonies. I’ve seen a few pictures, and read some about the amazing things that were done. But I can’t seem to find a video that has the entire broadcast anywhere. YouTube has failed me, and the official Olympic site is no help.

    If TED can find sponsorship to be able to release a video a week from their library of talks, then the organizers of the Olympics should have no trouble finding willing sponsors to help them webcast the entirety of the games once every couple of years.

    What better way to create a global sense of community than letting people watch these events, as they want to, easily.

  12. psu says:

    The answer is simple: Money.

  13. WCE says:

    @Ben

    Wow, really? That’s wonderful. So despite the TV-Fee-Hunting-Trucks the BBC has a humane side? The hours I’ve spent listening to the likes of Phil Simms, Joe Theisman, John Madden and Al McGuire should really be payment enough for this service that amounts to less service.

    As for the Olympics, I really didn’t need Costas or Matt Lauer (in the running for the choice role of Captain Obvious in the upcoming film) to tell me the opening ceremonies were spectacular. I recognize a spectacle when I see one.

    As for foreign broadcasts, the years I spent watching southern hemisphere Rugby went like this: Year 1- Enjoyment – I didn’t know the cliches were cliche then, and I was just learning how the game worked. Year 2 – Mild Annoyance – I recognized the cliches and now knew enough about the game to realize the commentators aren’t adding much beyond the obvious. Year 3 – Seething Rage – I knew enough to know the commentators were nitwits. Year 4 Onwards – Pained Resignation, just like here.

    It lead me to wonder why networks everywhere assume the populace is somehow stuck at Year 1 for a game they’ve watched (and possibly played) almost their whole lives.