Being something of a tea snob, I’ve always been fascinated by the over the counter supermarket tea market, where companies like Celestial Seasonings can sell exactly the same junk product as Lipton but, through the power of a nice box design and some flavor text, command a huge premium in price.
Today it struck me: this is how I will get rich. I will market low quality teas in fine packaging. They will all have names that are sort of vaguely sexually suggestive without being actually crude. The mad cash will roll in.
I mentioned this scheme to some friends of mine, and one thing led to another and, well — I bet you know what’s coming next.
TOP FIFTEEN VAGUELY SEXUALLY SUGGESTIVE TEA NAMES
15. Morning Afterglow (peterb)
14. Afternoon Delight (peterb)
13. Hot and Bothered (rlink)
12. Rooibush (fpereira)
11. Keemun-a-my-house (peterb)
10. Sweet Caress (clamen)
9. Evening Repose (peterb)
8. Carpe Noctem (peterb)
7. Assam (sdavis)
6. Pearl Gray (fpereira)
5. Sensual-cha (psu)
4. Rose Hips (bhudson)
3. You-n-ann (bhudson)
2. Ginger Honey (bhudson)
1. Monk’s Blend (bhudson)
Celestial Seasoning is a bit different than Lipton in that they put random bits of forest, dirt, and “herbs” in the box instead of anything that might be related to any sort of tea-like product ever produced. I mean, it’s not even the black tea dust you get in a jar at Trader Joe’s.
In that sense their margins might be even higher than Lipton, who must at least purchase some kind of post-processed tea-like product to put into those bags.
The sad (or awesome) part of this is that it would totally work.
Although she refuses to post it in the comments here because she dismisses it as “too obvious”, my friend Elise came up with “Ooooooh Long”.
Ok, now I want to see the artwork that goes on these boxes of tea. The seemingly innocent pictures…
What could possibly be a better name than “Iron Goddess of Mercy”?
It seems there is already a tea called “Kalahari Red Honeybush Blush“